the 'Depends' Tour, Travel Woes vol. 2

One of my favorite things to do is mess with peoples heads. I do this in a variety of ways just to get a rise out of someone or get that disgusted look from them. My trip to Spain was no different.

I often pride myself in that after 2 years at Norwich University most of the student population knew of me, and not as the type of guy you want to go out of your way to hang out with. More people knew me as an *** hole then by my actual name.

So basically I have set the bar rather high.

It didn't take me long to jump in with both feet once we got out of the U.S. Our first night we had a tour group meeting in the hotel bar and I came to a quick realization. Not only were Kate and I the youngest people on the tour (big surprise) but we were also one of the only couples without a hearing aid.

Yeap, most of our tour was of the retired age group. I think most people expected that this was a honeymoon of sorts for us so when asked 'How long have you two been married?' I quickly took the chance to turn a few heads. Now I don't know how your grandparents are but the simple phrase: 'Oh, we're not Married, we're just out for a good time.' is typically an appalling statement for them to hear.

Add to my typically charming demeanor, a few drinks (cc: many, many, many drinks) and Im surprised I didn't cause some of these people a heart attack.

We got more disgusted looks from people in the first three days then I think Kate has ever gotten in her life. Needless to say she was not very happy with me but that did little to slow me down.

One evening after getting back from a 4 hour bus trip we went up to our room and cleaned up a little so we could go to the bars after dinner. When we came down we met up with part of our tour group exiting the dining hall. Curious about where we had been one older woman asked where we had been.

It was just too easy for me to pass up. Before Kate could answer I jumped in with, 'We needed a quickie after been stuck on the bus for so long.'

If looks could kill, Id me a millionaire.

No... Wait, thats not right.
Well, you know what I meant.

All in all Id say I gave most of those old folks a quick introduction into the 21st century. Whether they wanted it or not.

Not like it matters though. They probably forgot all about us 2 days later. Damn Alzheimers!

Two of the 7 dwarves, travel woes vol. 1

Well, Im back. Unfortunately.
It was a lovely time in the south of Spain, where it never rains unless I visit (ill have more on this later), but eventually I had to return home and get back to my life. (cc: ran out of money so I need a few more paychecks).

The trip back was pretty decent though, I spent most of the 10 hours back to JFK Airport playing Suduku and reading Dan Browns Deception Point (really good book so far by the way) and the rest being a good boy (cc: being very mean and naughtly evil to Kate). By the time we landed we had been traveling for a good 16 hours and we are getting Sleepy and Grumpy. Go figure.

Here is where things went awry. We had just under 2 hours from when we landed from Madrid to when our plane would leave for Portland.

Thats 2 hours to enter the country

Retrieve our luggage

Go through customs

Change terminals

Recheck luggage

and board our flight home.

Yeah... Now this wouldn't have been THAT big of a deal, but then we weren't the only ones on the plane and people are just freaking uselessly retarded. What? you didn't know?

For those of you who don't travel, typically airport security people have little patience and customs officials are usually even worse. But I steeled myself and tried to be personable without pissing anyone off. Hell, I needed their OK to get back into the US and not end up like Tom Hanks in THE TERMINAL. So couple all this with the fact that most people are NUMB (cc: husks of flesh with no intelligence walking around that force people like me to drink), we didn't stand much of a chance to catch our flight.

We exited the plane and raced down the tunnel following a few people who seemed to be on a mission the same as us but apparently they don't have the same kind of stamina. Halfway to the first security check they decide they have had enough and slow to an unbearable crawl and won't get the hell out of the way. I politely excused myself (cc: knocked them over, and pulled Kate through the mess) and raced on.

We jumped in line at the first security point and waited to have our passports checked. Here there are about 7 customs officials trying to service 3 planes worth of international travelers. Not necessarily the best recipe for speed and friendly service. But we followed directions and shared a laugh with security at the people who did not understand simple directions like: Wait in the line your instructed to until called by the customs agent, families stay together. It didn't take long to frustrate the large black woman before she turned around and said, 'can everyone hear and under stand me? am i that difficult to comprehend. GET IN THE LINE I TELL YOU AND WAIT THERE TILL YOU ARE CALLED ON! FAMILIES STAY TOGETHER!!'

I have never found a woman so beautiful.

So we get through security and go to get our luggage just as the carousel begins to turn and what luck, kates bag is in the first load off the plane. But mine however... is not. We waited there (no lie) about 20 mins for my bag to come, im pretty sure there was only a few loads left on the plane and it boggles my mind how 2 bags checked together end up on opposite ends of the aircraft but at least they hadn't gotten lost somehow. Next onto customs.

Here of course thanks to our 20 min wait, there was a line of people ahead of us. Some nice people let us go ahead of them after we explained our situation and I thanked them by not being well, me, and waited for our turn. Of course though they asked us to step aside and open our luggage so they could check on the olives and things i had brought back for gifts. (thats what iget for trying to be nice).

Somehow they have 1 person trying to check a line of peoples declared items and he is about 70 years old... and slow as death warmed over. (funny coincidence). Another nice security person came and asked us what we had that needed to be checked, looked over her shoulder and waved us on. I almost kissed the woman. how the hell do customs agents get the rapt for being jerks?

We ran to the elevator the the air tram and didn't have to wait long for it to arrive. Things seemed to be going smoothly, somehow. We took the tram to terminal 3, only 2 stops over and headed for our Delta flight. Unfortunately the elevator was busted we had to take the escalator... which was also shut down. Ok no biggie right? Except we have 3 carryons, and 2 bags that way more then 60 pounds each. and wheels don't work so good on steps.

I handed Kate one of my carryons, slung the other on my back like a back pack, grabbed both of our bags and heaved. Now normally about 125 pounds is not an excruciating amount of weight to lift but the shear bulk of the bags kept me from being able to hoist them and easily go up the steps. But somehow we made it. Keep in mind we are still on a tight schedule and you normally have to check bags a little more then an hour before your flight or they won't take them. I hoped against hope that if they would not check them at the counter then we could check them at the plane like we had seen people do on the flight down, this was only a small prop plane after all.

We made it though. Panting and sweat dripping, I dropped the bags at the counter and kate checked us in. All about 50 mins before our plane would take off. It occurred to me then that if our flight had not gotten in 20 mins early we probably would not have made it. Cheery and relieved we went to get some food, had a drink at the airport bar (actually a few drinks). I called for Tim to be at the airport to pick us up and Kate called her mom to say we would make our flight.

Now i need to cut in. Kate's mom is the type of person who lives and travels THROUGH others. She actually calls the airpor to see if flights are on time, and follows us along on our little itinerary for the whole trip. When our tour schedule changed Kate had to call and inform her mother. Scary and well rather sick. But I accept it... kind of.

It seemed on this night however that Kate's mom actually knew more then we did. While on the phone I hear kate say, 'Nooo, I don't think so mom...' She got up and walked over to the display board and almost dropped the phone. No, we hadn't missed our flight. It was delayed due to mechanical issued from 9:05 to 10:45. the delay was as long as the actual flight.

After she hung up we headed back to the bar and now that i think of it i don't actually remember closing our tab. By the time the flight had been delayed a second time and the rest of the airport was shutting down we decided to go for a walk. I think the bartender expected we would be comming back or just didn't see us leave because we had probably 5 drinks that had not been paid for. Anyway we eventually got out of the airport and back home only to find that the airport had torn Kates bag somehow and put a really nasty skuff in mine. It must have gotten caught on something because they had been fine when we checked them in JFK.

At 3 am I finally got home, dropped my bags, got mauled by my dog, and went to bed. Im thinking Im never flying Delta Again.